Tag Archives: Vents

Women & Sexuality

Current Mood:Annoyed emoticon Annoyed & Contemplative emoticon Contemplative

Working back in brick and mortar takes some getting use to again. Not just the fact that you are no longer setting your own schedule from home, doing your own thing, and depending on what you are doing you can get isolated from having to deal with people that have hang ups about women.

When we worked from home, the group of people we worked with online had very different views, no doubt about that, but not so contradictory as some of the ones I have encounter recently.

What is it with some men not being able to handle women having sexuality and wanting to express it? Why do they have to make comments as if when a woman expresses her sexuality that it is unacceptable?

It is messed up.

I have meet repressed people that they can not seem to handle it if their female partner’s dress shows her shoulders. I am like, wow, really?!? Yet, they are fascinated and make comments on other women’s pictures when they are showing off.

Just like every other person that I have meet that has stated that they are conservative on sexuality, it does not stop them from expressing it in their comments and discussion. It is either very hypocritical or they are trying to expand their own boundaries of thought.

They are same ones that outlaw porn yet spend the most on money on it. Some of the biggest freaks I have meet are self described conservatives (nothing do with politics).

I get so tired of the issues that society has with women enjoying their sexuality. They should not have to hide it, they should not have to apologize for it and it sure in hell does not mean that they are asking for it.

Those attitudes about women’s sexuality is what leads to the victim blaming rape culture that we have today. Leads to rapists getting off on probation, getting suspended jail sentences. While the victim tries to rebuild their life, while living in fear and PTSD.

And it is not good enough to know what consent means and practice it yourself, you also have to call out your male friends for their non-consent ways/jokes, call them to the carpet, don’t just laugh it off. Let them know that it is unacceptable. If you do not, you are part of the problem.

Don’t Read if You Want a Happy Post

Current Mood:Freaked Out emoticon Freaked Out

This past month as been the rough as hell….we are so stressed out, it isn’t even funny.

The rug has been pulled out from under us and now we need to reassess and figure out how the hell we are going to get through things. Some days we are ok and other days, totally freak out. Starting this month, I’m on total freak out. We try to stay focus on what we need to do, but it isn’t always easy.

We just try to hold the other up, when the other feels down and crappy. It helps that we have each other.

Glad that we have friends that are there for us. No matter how small or big, everything they have done for us this past month during this stressful time has been greatly appreciated.

Monday was not a good day. Reality hit and then how SCOTUS ruled….just really put us in bad mood. Do not know how we were polite to people, I just wanted to tell everyone to fuck off. Great mood to be in when you are doing the shopping……rolling eyes. Good thing people were nice, helped to get me out of the dark spot on an occasion.

If last month was tough, this month is going to be straight up hell…at least that is how it is feeling.

I just hope that it all works out. That part of our lives is over.

Right now, I just feel like I’m losing it.

Life Turmoil & Stress

The last two weeks as been hell. Everything is fine between us, but we have been thrown a big curve ball and now are having to make some big changes in our lives. Feels like the rug has been pulled out from under us.

We are scrambling to get our lives back on track. Some days we are fine, some days we are in panic, other days we just want to break down. I had one of those yesterday…..just had to break down and have a good cry.

Didn’t get to work that much on one of our back up plans this week, need to change that tomorrow. Been scrambling to find other back ups and having work on my end of the month project, along with my work. My brain has been so scattered, I really need to regain some of my focus tomorrow. Sometimes I feel as if I’m losing my mind.

Right now, finally taking some time out for myself and watching a movie with my hubbie. Still want to have another good cry, but I really hate the lost of control feeling and getting a stuffy nose.

Been eating because we have to eat, sure not because we feel like it. Tummy has not been happy.

I try and tell myself that we’ve been through hell before and we’ll get through it. But it still so damn scary.

It helps that we still have each other and are able to talk and hold each other up.

We’ve been together for over 20yrs, yet we are always learning more about each other and about ourselves. And we have learned so much over the last year. Communication is always improving, understanding of who we are and why we react the way we do…..it really helps to see that in times of turmoil……even when turmoil sometimes helps us to gain a higher understanding and communication with each other, like it did this winter. But we have no regrets on how it has made us closer, just regrets on how the turmoil ended on a bad note.

Weekend Where Are You?!?

Still not sure what I’m doing with my blog here to get the comments fixed. I found a theme that looked like it would work, but so far I wasn’t able to make my header work and the new wordpress has been a bitch for personalizing things….totally ticked by that. Hopefully I’ll have time later this week…finally, to work on it.

I just found a board about the theme I used, so I’m posting my question there. I’ve always liked this layout and really don’t want to have to find another. They are currently suggesting a plugin issue….lovely…I have way too many of those, I know..icks

It has been a long week. Got through my personal test Monday with help of my best friend and her sister. I still wasn’t doing as good as I hoped, but I think I know why….I’m due to start my cycle any day now and I’m so, so irritable that my mean temper from my mom’s dad’s side wants to come out.

Oh yes, on top of not sleeping….I had to catch a mouse last night, then we knew we had another one a few hours later, but couldn’t get it…..well, I caught it this morning……just totally lovely……NOT! Now we have to worry about wire damage….blah.

I work up in a fighting mood this morning…I just want to lash out and hurt people.

But did my best to restrain myself and act somewhat normal. Acting normal is like laughter, after a while it becomes normal and your emotions may chill the fuck out. That has helped.

I did get one laugh first thing this morning, the pair of pants that I just had patched up on the other side ripped out! I’m like, why the hell am I feeling a breeze on my ass…I was out in public…at least no one was around to see it. I’m like this is so not cool. I’m not getting them fixed again….into the trash they went….rolling eyes…thinking I need to start counting my calories again…..it is just tiring to do….I know lazy…

Ripped out the other side….gggeezz

Ripped out the other side….gggeezz

Finally got our project done, just currently answering questions through email about it. That is load of stress done.

Not doing much around here project wise for the next 2 days…we did our time this week.

Right now, just chilling and really hoping for a better day and progress tomorrow.

Out & about working on projects and having fun in a gator while I'm at it….nothing like blasting through some puddle….lol

Out & about working on projects and having fun in a gator while I’m at it….nothing like blasting through some puddle….lol

Just Breath

Feel much better, works much better when I keep my crazy off of others. And try to act as normal as possible.

Less destructive for all those involved.

Now I just need to breath….I’m so tired and sad that this is happening to me.

Not As Peaceful

Current Mood:Annoyed emoticon Annoyed

I thought I was more at peace…..but I’m not, better then I was, I give it that. I’m working so hard at suppressing the crazy, because it makes things harder then it should be. I keep telling myself, just give yourself time….but I’m so sick and tired of feeling this way. I just want it over one way or another.

Writing it out helps….since I know everyone is talked out and tired of it. Plus, I don’t think he is reading here, so it gives him a break from my emotions and he doesn’t get it anyway, so why would he want to read more of it? Or when he leaves I scream out my frustration (helps that no one is around so I can do that) so it isn’t coming out on anyone…..well, besides the cats that look at me as if I’ve lost my fricking mind.

It would be so much fucking easier if it was just a fuck partner, but it is not. And it is pure hell on me, didn’t expect any of this, and I don’t think he really has any idea how hard this is for me. Then I feel bad, because I make everyone else’s lives more complicated then they need to be….including my own with this torture.

I expected him to share parts of himself with her, but not to the extend that he did. It is completely his decision and I’m glad he feels safe, but it took something from me….selfishly….. Be careful of what you wish for, you just may get it and it is not how you expected it.

I think it is disconcerting that how he can focus on her and have so much interest in her life that it makes me feel like the 3rd wheel. As soon as he has plans to see her it like I’m not even in his mind….but at the same time, what he is suppose to do? His attention to her seems unnatural, but she is someone new to talk to and learn about and I know that is just my insecurities…..and I know that, that is what screwy….what I know logically doesn’t fit emotionally.

I know we need break from each other at times.…we spend 90% of our time together. The thought of spending time apart is good…..and I personally enjoy our breaks, just not like this. When it was just a fuck partner, I just got things done and enjoyed….but this is someone that he LOVES….not just fucks….HUGE difference.

I really think I need to find someone, because I’m tired of feeling left out and shitty. But then I HATE dealing with people like that. So much work with a rare chance of it paying off.

At least they left the housecams on this time and I have connection…..that actually does helps, I feel better already….twisted I know.

**Update….well that bites, I get busy for a few minutes and the cams are off. =(

Crappy Feelings

Current Mood:Mad emoticon Mad

Getting ready to start my monthly, totally irritated with everyone and everything. Getting no relief.

Yesterday started with such promise and died horribly….

I had to call my best friend today, I needed to hear her voice. About broke down talking about all the pressure that I’m feeling on things that I need to do and are responsible for in my personal life….my to do lists never seem to end. Every time I think I’m at my max, I’m asked to give more and to hurry up….I feel like I’m going to explode. I feel like I’m in a beauty competition I never asked for.

I think that is why I’ve been trying to get a small buzz at night, just shut my fucking brain off….I’m so tired.

Sometimes wishing I would act on my own selfish wants, but that is not in my nature. And when I do, it explodes in my face. Makes me wish that I was more heartless, less caring sometimes….maybe things won’t bother me so much.

My best friend pointed out that I’m totally vulnerable to my emotions with my monthly coming up, with the holidays, even though I didn’t focus on it, I was totally missing my family. I hate not being able to spend part of the holidays with them and on my bday. And then I’m afraid of getting stuck on the outside and looking in on parts of my life.

Sometimes I don’t know if I even know myself or my mind. I’ve been feeling so scattered and lost. I have no idea if I’m coming or going. I hate feeling that way.

Totally feeling like I just want to breakdown and have a good cry, over what I have no idea but don’t even think I can have my cry.


That is about sums it up.

~Added….only 2 bright stars today…my Colts and Saints won.