Tag Archives: Toni Katvixen

Baffled By People

Current Mood:Annoyed emoticon Annoyed & Contemplative emoticon Contemplative

With this election, I just really do not get people. I do not get how people can not see the racism from Trump? The sexism? How much he hates everyday Americans in how he refuses to pay for services renderer? How he has put so many small businesses out of business? The small businesses that are the backbone of this country? How he disrespects Veterans? How do they not see that he is a major part of the problems in this country with his conning and lies?

There is so many issues with him, but the issue that keeps coming to mind is his racism. The dog whistles he does for the racist and white supremacy groups.

I do not know if people are just that racist, ignorant or knowingly blind?

I had shared a meme on facebook showing a black man being chained to a tree. The meme stated that the picture was from 75yrs ago. I stated that I wasn’t sure if it was, but that you do not tell African-Americans to get over slavery and jim crow when you do not tell people of the Jewish faith to get over the Holocaust.

One of the comments I got was that people are still alive from the Holocaust and the excuse that it was Africans that sold other Africans into the slavery.

My responses from the thread (edited for grammar corrections and actual paragraphs since replies on FB doesn’t allow that):

People are still alive that saw the lynching and seen their family torn out of their beds by men in hoods. One guy I work with never meet his 7 uncles because they were lynched.

The excuse about Africans selling them into slavery is that, an excuse That does NOT make what the US did the right or the fact that the system is still set up to support white supremacy. That is the reality of our laws that are in the blood of our history.

You know how the law came about not allowing intermarriage between black slaves and white indentured servants? Because the child carry the status of mother and they didn’t want to call a “white” child a slave. And because indentured servants (which wasn’t much better then slavery) were natural allies of the black slaves. The slave/indentured masters couldn’t have that.

So by treating one worst then the animal and bringing up a person that is in the same boat but is white and you tell them that they are better because they are white. You start a system of white supremacy.

White and black children, identical in everything but color are treated differently in school. That is how more children of color get stuck in the school-to-prison pipeline. They have done studies where the exact same resume is turned in and the “white” sounding name gets called and the “black/latino” name does not. Those are the facts and the reality of our society.

And you wonder why people of color are pissed off? My husband was pulled over while driving while black. Because they saw his best friend who was black, as soon as they saw that my husband was white, they made excuses that they thought he was someone else. Yeah, they thought they were going to get 2 black navy men and instead got a white one thrown in the mix.

I remember my best friend in 7 & 8th grade, who was black, tell me stories of living in a small town in Texas. And how her family members got beaten for just “crossing” the tracks to the white side of town. I didn’t even know that happened when I was in 7th grade.

Things haven’t changed as much, it isn’t gone, it is just under ground. With scum like Trump using “dog whistles” too all the racists that know exactly what they meant. The birther movement….that was all about race plain and simple…..can’t have a black man get to “uppity” must tear him down and delegitimize him.

**Then they brought up riots and burning of neighborhoods.

My responses:

Not acknowledging that our system is set up to keep the racism going is what keeps it going.

Hopelessness, poverty and anger is what creates the circumstances that neighborhoods burn…it has nothing to do with color…riots have happened in white neighborhoods during the depressions.


Current white/upperclass culture doesn’t want to acknowledge that. As long as they don’t have to see the despair and deal with the “unhappy angry negro” they are content to sweep it under the rug. It freaks them out to see people upset the race/class status quo.

Current white/upperclass culture don’t want to acknowledge that they are part of the problem and with their ignorance are not much better then the slave masters.

At least the slave masters were upfront about their racism. The hidden racism is the most dangerous.

The only good thing that Trump as done has brought the racists upfront so they can’t hide and you can call them for what they are…..bigots and racists.

I think most of the reason why our system is still so racist is because of ignorance and not wanting to deal with the reality that non whites face.

When I asked a black staffer years ago at the women’s shelter about how she was doing in Lafayette and she said that she didn’t see many people that were actually racist, but were ignorant in how they were acting racist or how the system was racist.

They are afraid of acknowledging that they have racists parts to themselves. What is sad, is no matter what, we are ALL racist….society teaches us that in even when we know better.

It is when you don’t acknowledge that part of you, don’t exam where you learned it and don’t do anything to change it….that is what keeps the racist system going.

*This article sums it a lot about our society : http://www.huffingtonpost.com/christy-degallerie/its-time-to-call-out-nice-racists-white-fragility_b_11939196.html?

**I really just do not get how they do not see it. It is like 3 monkeys, one covering their eyes, another their ears and another their mouth. They do not want to see the truth in front of them.

Patriotism And Love of Country

Current Mood:Contemplative emoticon Contemplative

With it the combination of it being the 15th anniversary of 9/11 and an election year, it really gets me thinking about how some people view how you should be patriotic.

I love our country, but I acknowledge our bloody history, the damage we have done and still how far we need to go. To me, being a true patriot is wanting our country to make amends for our past, build on our future and really put the true meaning of “with liberty and justice for all” to work. Because honestly, we do not have equal liberty or justice in this country.

Our country is built on classism and white supremacy. Police forces were not started to help the every day people, they were developed to protect the rich. It shows in the laws and courts.

Freedom has to mean more than words, it has to mean that even if you do not agree with someone’s actions you defend their right to do it….ie, burning a flag, protesting…..that is their right. You cannot give lip service to our freedoms and then get upset when someone exercises their constitutional right. Then you truly do not believe in the freedoms that you speak about and are a hypocrite and only want what you believe in expressed.

I may detest the KKK and neo-nazis but I’ll defend their right for rallies and protest.

I do not get blind “patriotism”. That has got be most potentially dangerous form of the patriotism there is.

That is what gave us Hitler, Stalin, Mussolini….strong men….fascist and communist….murders. They were able to use blind patriotism to get to power. Feed their people the lines that they wanted to hear and then murder those who disagreed….Putin does that now. And Trump thinks that is how it should be done with as much as he praises me. I am NO fan of Reagan but he would be rolling in his grave over that.

Blind patriotism is un-American. It closes you off to what needs to be addressed, it closes you off from what fellow Americans are going through. Just because you haven’t seen or lived it, does not mean it does not happen and it is not true.

It is our duty as Americans to question the status quo for how the rich keep getting richer and the poor gets poorer, how they are destroying the middle class. How our “representatives” are in the pockets of big business and are millionaires, how they still get paid when they are not doing their job, while we would have been fired.

It is our duty hold our elected officials accountable and call them to the carpet. A prime example on 9/11 is how they all give lip service to “never forget” but do NOTHING to help the first responders that are still suffering. It is twisted that they have to be shamed and even that does not always work. They want to use the legislation to help the 9/11 first responders for their own gain with riders. That is not patriotic, that is disgusting.

It is our duty as Americans to fight for justice and social equality. It is our duty to speak up and not be lead like sheep. It is our duty to practice what we preach on the freedoms of this country.

Patriotism is loving your country, while acknowledging it’s faults while you try and make it better for the next generation.

Marshaling Thoughts

Current Mood:Contemplative emoticon Contemplative

I can not seem to marshall my thoughts like I use to. My postings have been more rambling then I would like.

It is frustrating. I do not know if I am writing with too much background noise. I always have been very good at ignoring it when I am focused, when I go deep into something, I totally tunnel vision….I do not see or hear anything around me. But I am wondering if it has been so long that I can not seem to get to that level.

I am also wondering if I am so tired and distracted with the things that I need to do, that it dissipates my emotions on the matter I wish to address.

I have always written more focused when I am really riled up. And before I thought about writing again, I would be getting riled up and my thoughts together when I was driving home…..which is why I was thinking of dictating to my notes on my iphone. When I get home after work, I would be forced to change my focus and get busy either showering, getting ready for the next day or trying to chill, that I am not able to get that focus back.

Then when I have the perfect days to focus and have no distractions, I have to struggle with my thoughts. It is disappointing. =(

Maybe I should start writing on more mundane everyday things…..

I am hoping with these posts that I will finally get them out more clearly. It will take practice, time, and (I guess) patience.

Blogging Again

Current Mood:Beautiful Day emoticon Beautiful Day

I need to start writing again. Problem is I have my thoughts when I’m out and I can’t write them down. Then when I have the time and place, I can’t get my thoughts together, total writer’s block. Since I use the dictation feature when I text, I debating on using that and then clean it up later.

There is something about writing about the things on your mind that helps to clear your mind. Whether is about things going on in your life or issues in the news. And I have lots of thoughts on those, as one can see from my twitter/facebook feeds.

I got to thinking more about writing when my cousin sent me this link :

It would be totally cool to write for Bitch. When I had time, I use to get it and Ms….two of my favorites for women issues.

I need to practice before I go for something like this and even if I wasn’t interested in something like that, I still would like to start blogging again. Not just tweeting, even though I love tweeting.

I love the way twitter lets me share stories that I find interesting or informative. Yes, I know that most of the stories are ones that I agree with, and it shows that I am a political addict. But some stories are just ones that I find interesting.

I love the stories and variety of people that you can find on twitter.

Even if you never tweet, if you love learning and experiencing different people, or even just keeping up with the news, sports and world events, I highly recommend getting a twitter account and start following.

I love learning and passing on information. I’m a big believer in that you should never stop learning and passing it on. You never know what pepple of information may effect someone in a positive way.

I remember when I was younger I wanted to make big waves in the world….something positive to help us advance our society, to help fight social injustices.

Realistically, I don’t see that happening now…..too busy just trying to survive and enjoy life. =)

A few years ago, a friend of mine revealed to me that the little things I did helped him to accept himself. I know it wasn’t all me, but by simply treating him with respect and like everyone else, I made a difference in his life.

So even if I am not making huge social waves that I thought I might do with my life, I am making a difference in my small corner of the world. I may not know how or for sure, but you never know when you plant a seed for it down the line. Even if it is just being friendly and smiling at a stranger.

This was both easier and harder to write then I thought. It is my first attempt in a very, very long time. I hope I am able to keep it up. =)


Current Mood:Accomplished emoticon Accomplished

Since our life hit the brakes and had to readjust last summer, we’ve haven’t had done any birding or anything to get out….too busy trying to get it back together. Going by our birding list, exactly 6 months since we listed anything. =(

Didn’t help that when we thought we were getting back on our feet, the rug got pulled out from under us again….but we’ve reestablished ourselves. =)

We made a point to get out today and explore a different part area that we are now living in. It was also the 1st time I’ve been in our Jeep Wrangler since we brought the Pontiac in Dec…..felt good to be back in the Wrangler. =)

We checked out a few of the local state parks. Very happy that we stopped at the visitor’s center at one of them. The staff member there was very helpful on giving us advice on where birders have been going.

We ended up in a wetlands area by a river and got to see our first short-ear owl and northern harrier! They were putting on a show. =) We saw at least 3 owls just flying around and 2-3 norther harriers. We even got to see an immature bald eagle, the head was almost finished changing to white.

It felt totally great to get out and do one of our favorite things. And the weather worked with us……no rain. =)

Life Update

Since we’ve had to get stationary jobs, it has been a big life change.

One big major adjustment is that since Sept ’07, we’ve worked from home, and even though it took 6 months to get use it, we are now use to spending a lot of time together. This weekend is the first days off we’ve had together since Xmas & Thanksgiving. It had been driving me nuts. Feels good to be home together.

I have a p/t job position and until last weekend, had a 2nd p/t seasonal job on the weekends. That was not easy schedule wise, but doable. Looking to see if a full time position opens where I’m at or get a different job….need the full time. I really do like where I’m at….everyone has been very nice and I seem to fit in.

Hubby is working at a place that actually appreciates him. He fits in with the sense of humor there and they love the work he does. I’m very happy about that.

We are very happy that we are in the Pacific NW for all of this, but we are missing Oregon.

Washington is nice, but it is different…..drivers are more aggressive then Oregon, and people in Oregon aren’t more slobs, but don’t seem to care as much on how they look when they go to the store. At least around here, I see people more “dressed up” for store…..they are less laid back. Most people here are friendly (a LOT better then Florida ever was) but not quite Oregon friendly. Once you’ve been in Oregon for awhile, you can notice the difference.

Maybe it the area we are in, more urban and more military.

Overall, things are still adjusting, tight, but doable.

The Perils of Car Shopping **Late Posts

**The 1st part of this was written on Dec 13, 2014

Well, with the changes that we have had to make the last few months, we are going to be located in one spot for a few years.

We both had to take on brick & mortar jobs and for the 1st time in many, many years we now need another car.  ToRn is working M-F 7-4ish if he isn’t doing OT and lately my shifts have been 2-6….so our schedule is limited.

We need something practical, so it is going to be for me since I do 90% of our errands and such, and that’ll help save the wear and tear on our Jeep Wrangler.  So we want good gas mileage, reliable, something that is easily paid off in a 2-3yrs and priced that if something major happens to it, we can just walk away.

If we didn’t need something practical, I would so go for another Wrangler….love our Jeep.

Since I handle our books and it is for me, I’m looking at small cars and I’m the one going out to look at them first….most have no personality, just bland cookie cutter styles.  So I was thinking of PT Cruiser or a VW Beetle.  

Well, most VW Beetles are stick (never learned to drive one yet….on my bucket list) and I feel they wanting too much for the ones I’m finding….which are from around 2000.  No car from 2000, should be costing 5k+ unless in excellent condition.  But they do love their VW Beetles around here, so I’m not too surprised.  And I know I can get a different car with better gas mileage.  

They also LOVE their Wranglers….I’ve seen those with up to 200k miles on them and still asking about 10k for them….crazy.

Found 2 different PT Cruisers at 2 different dealers….one a small lot, another at a Ford dealer. The small lot…didn’t seem to think that passenger door not opening from the inside, dash board lights not working or headlights needing buffing weren’t safety issues.  To me, those are safety issues and I’m not budging.  On top of it, the ac didn’t work….that is a non starter for me.  Spent too many years in Indiana & Florida when my ac went out in my cars/trucks…not doing it again.

The Ford dealer, the car was a bit beat up on the outside, but the previous owner had done all the preventative maintenance, it drove nice and after doing some research, decided to see about getting it.  When I got in, it had been sold to a whole sale dealer…no biggie.  When I asked about the one of the other 2 they on had on the lot, said they had sold the one within the price I was looking for, but had a convertible one at a bit more.  Well, that convertible one was a sweet car…under 55k miles, leather seats, seat warmers all the fun stuff, BUT it got less gas mileage due to the turbo.

Now, the sales rep & sales manager I was originally dealing with was not in.  Ended up with a different set of guys.  That sales rep was nice guy and you can tell he was new.  The sales manager was WAY too damn pushy.

I told sales manager how much I wanted to spend on car payments a month and for how long….oh yeah, he got the payments down….after spreading out to 7yrs and that is with him figuring the price at $2k more then it was listed!!!   Now it could’ve been a honest mistake, but when I asked about what other cars they had on the lot with better gas mileage, acted like he didn’t hear me, keep trying to push the convertible on me.  So I’m doubting it was…like I wasn’t going to do the research…WTF?!?

I’m like if I wanted to spend that kind of money and not get the gas mileage I’m looking for, I’ll get me the Wrangler I want.  He would NOT listen, then….this really bugs the hell out me…..he tries to get me to sign for it and have my husband come in and sign, just because I handle everything like this.  I’m like, NO, I will NOT sign anything without discussing it with my husband.  I had to say this 4 times!  Until I had to put my foot down harder then I should’ve had to.  This is where my family stubbornness comes in, the more to try and push me when I’m not sure that is what I want, the more I resist…..just like an Army Mule.

Even though ToRn trusts me and would’ve done something like that, we are partners…to me, to do that is to disrespect him and our relationship.  I will not do anything like that without discussing it with him, just like I expect him to with me.  

When I left there, I was just annoyed, when I was driving home, I got really pissed off.  That sales manager was being a fricking bully and, frankly, using that I’m a woman without my husband there to try and get me to agree to something that I was not sure about.

I decided to give that dealer one more shot with dealing my originally sales rep., see if I can use to my advantage.   I was just going to talk to him privately about it, but that other sales manager was there, try to greet me a long lost friend and as if he was doing me a favor.  I just lost it, I made a hell of scene in front of about 20 people….a lot of them other sales people, told him I didn’t appreciate him trying to bully me, disrespecting me by trying to get me to sign after I told him I need to discuss it with my husband, that he was trying to take advantage me for being a woman.  Told him, I told him exactly what I wanted to spend, the gas mileage, length/amount of payment and that he didn’t listen.  

Oh, they knew I wasn’t happy.  The sales rep I was dealing with, was very understanding, found out for the price range I want, that is usually if they only get in by trade, so he is going to keep an eye out for me this weekend.  Normally they sell to wholesalers.  Which I understand, business is business.

Meet briefly with the other sales rep, he has only been doing this for 1yr. Told him, listen to your customers, listen to what they saying and looking for….don’t push them into something.   I’ve been in retail for about 20yrs, you don’t do that….take care of your customers and they will take care of you.  Told him, don’t be a bully like his sales manager, who helps give car sales peoeple a bad name.

I really don’t expect anything from them, but if by slim chance they get something, I’ve kept my options open.

I’ve found a VW Passet, a Pontiac VIbe & a Suzuki at 2 other dealers that I’m going to look into more.  So screw it, I’m going for the gas mileage & reliability more then anything.  Leaning to the Pontiac Vibe because the gas mileage is the best of the three, they have listed closer to Kelly Blue Book and, unlike the other 2, a bright red…..if the design doesn’t have personality, at least the color can.  

I won’t mind a Toyota or Honda but those high theft targets, so they are off the table.

May try and contact them to see about testing driving the Vibe Monday.  Either way, I have other options.

**Written Today
A Very Late Car Update

I decided on the pontiac vibe in Dec. They knocked 300 off of it, that brought it very close to kelly blue book and what is even better, we got 2.75% on interest! After 4yrs, we’ll only pay 335 in interest….so very pleased.

It may be the now standard boring design, but it is bright red and I’m getting about 25mpg, and it has a bit more zip then I expected. For the holidays, we got me a new stereo for it, so now I can use my ipod and it has blue tooth for my phone, perfect. =)

It isn’t my first choice, if I didn’t need to be practical I would’ve gotten another Jeep Wrangler, 2 door, soft top this time. But had to be practical. And with as many errands as I do for us, being practical has paid on on the gas…..I’ve already put a bunch of miles on it.

Since it is red, we named it the Red Baroness….which works great, since my great-grandpa was a pilot instructor in WWI Germany and probably taught the Red Baron how to fly. =) My uncle has his pilot license.

The Weekend Happenings…with some sex….lol

I did say I would add a little more about the great sex session from Thursday….I just didn’t say how much more….grin

There are somethings that as a couple you want to keep to yourselves. But I will say that it lasted for a few hours, in the end we were both smelly with sex sweat (had to shower again…grin), my pussy and clit was very swollen, and I had a huge load just fall of out me.

It was last minute, but Friday we headed over to our dear friends in Seattle. It was so great to see them again, play catch up, filled them in on what has been going on and felt the love. It was a very good visit and had some good food.

We got our dyson vacuum back while in Seattle….I’m bound and determine that I will find room in our rig for it. With 2 cats and constantly tracking dirt in, we need it.

We came back Friday since they had family coming in late that night and they are the kind of people that most don’t like…..lol And we didn’t want to add stress to them.

We can’t believe 2 hrs there and 2 hrs back….with just over an hour of that on ferries could be so dang exhausting. Totally slept in Saturday, I did get off my ass to get somethings done….like still playing catch up on the laundry from our long sex session….grin

Sunday was a stunning day, but was still recovering some and I really did attack work and got a lot done. I did spend an hour on the phone wishing my now 17yr old nephew a happy birthday. It is cool to be able to talk to him as an adult. He is a good kid…boy, it makes me feel old…I remember when he was born.

We are suppose to be getting hit with a bunch of rain this later week, so we took advantage of the stunning weather Monday and went for a long walk and did some birding. It was a very satisfying day…of course, it started out on a very good note…hubby had a very hard cock that he just had to fuck me with that morning….damn, it felt so good and it helped warmed me up enough to roll out of bed….grin

Still Windy, Rainy, And Chilly

Damn it has been chilly with the wind. End up in a blowing down pour earlier today, still working on drying our stuff out.

Got to see an bald eagle about 30ft from us on the beach, of course, no decent camera…saw it later on the grass bracing itself again the blowing down pour. Just really haven’t been able to truly warm up since.

By the time we actually got warm, the wind/rain stopped and the sun came out. So we took opportunity for our exercise. He went for his run, I went roller skating. I didn’t do as much as I wanted, but I did add more then what I’ve been doing….not too bad. I didn’t do any floor exercises, decided to get some chores down around here instead.

Hubby takes his shower first, he is soaking in sweat after a run. Afterwards he just laid back on the bed, just relaxing feeling all his aches and pains and I just couldn’t resist. I LOVE a freshly clean cock, to me that is a turn on. I ended up taking it my mouth and started to suck. I was only planning on helping him relax and tease him for later…..weeelll…didn’t happen that way. Swallowed my first load in a long time.

It is not something I do regularly, I enjoy it…but selfishly, I want both of us to get off and I LOVE the feel of his load in my pussy. I love sucking him and teasing him to the edge, especially when he has my pussy juices on his cock….but then I really want the load in my pussy. Sometimes I can feel him pulsing inside me….that is hot…..when you can feel the cock give off another squirt.

After I swallowed him, I went back to my chores….grin Then did my shower. After the shower, used a glass toy and my wand and got off good. Could use some more.

And also thinking more about it….we did so many shoots with me having to show me taking a load in my mouth, that got old. I couldn’t even do it the way I wanted to….because then you couldn’t see the cum for the video/picture, I swallow it down and rarely leave a drop behind. Having to update and take pictures/videos all the time took the fun out of it….hate having my sex life regulated to needed updates….fuck that…that is why we don’t do it anymore.

In fact until the last few months, we finally started taking pictures again, for ourselves, for enjoyment….fuck the lighting, the quality…it is mostly from our iphones and it is for our enjoyment. If I share it, it is because I feel like it….not because I have to. I HATE requests and demands….did that way too long and sucked the life out of us and our personal enjoyment.

Unfortunately, I’m going to be starting my cycle Mon/Tues according to my calculations… =( So my last weekend of sex before I’m out of commission….blah…

Weird observation….. for the last 2 weeks about 9:30 am my pussy gives a few throbs….I’m just doing my stuff, not thinking of sex and then my pussy throbs. Like it wants to be fucked….so wacky.


Current Mood:Beautiful Day emoticon Beautiful Day & Flirtatious emoticon Flirtatious & Playful emoticon Playful & Reflective emoticon Reflective

Got brownies in the oven, I was feeling the remains of my husband’s cum drip out of my pussy, on to my thighs as I made them…just letting it sit there and make me feel juicy…..thinking of another pussy I would like to enjoy…in all sorts of way.

Didn’t get as much done today as the last 3 days….going to have to change that tomorrow big time. But I am making progress.

Not sure to why my twitter digest is no longer updating my blog…..think I need to reauthorize it again…..ggeezzz

Even though I had been out and about today, I had to get a walk in….I’ve been going nuts for one. Felt a little lost, this place is so big that I don’t know where I want to go..unlike the last place. And since this was a solo walk, it made it bit more overwhelming.

From my walk this evening.

From my walk this evening.

Pussy was so wet yesterday morning, but it was feeling tender from all the self love I’ve been giving it…..so just rubbed my juices on my pussy lips and had a taste of my finger. You can see a string of the juice in the picture I posted yesterday…..grin

Today woke up, did my potty run, headed back to bed for more much wanted sleep…..nope didn’t happen. Well, if you saw my earlier post, you can guess what was running in my mind…..same thing that is running through my mind now, which is why I’m enjoying the wet feeling of the cum even more….normally I have to clean it quickly, but right now with those thoughts… It feels just right to have that dripping feeling out of my pussy, slut and wanton….throbbing for more.

I was so hot this morning, that I need something to cold to enter me.

I was so hot this morning, that I need something to cold to enter me.

Even though I was giving my pussy a break from self love, my pussy was so hot and wet this morning, I took one of my cold glass toys and very slowly slid it in. It felt so damn good, the cold within the heat that I was feeling. Just gave myself a few slow stokes so I may enjoy the cold feeling.

Aching for attention as I slide my cold glass toy into my hot pussy

Aching for attention as I slide my cold glass toy into my hot pussy

I got throughly fucked before dinner, felt so damn good. Sucked him hard, got bent over the bed and fucked so good. I keep trying to make my ass higher, to get it deeper and harder….aching for more….feeling so wanton and sluttly…until I was just begging him to fuck me more and harder…love it when he grabs my hips hard and fucks me ever deeper. Still wanting more….

I’m not sure what to make of it…I’ve always enjoyed the heightened sexualized feelings I get, but not use to having it daily… It is kind throws you off to have it so much. Thoughts pop into your head when you least expect it and not at the best of times. But at the same time, it makes me feel so fricking alive…..and in some ways, gets my mind off my stress and worries.

There is nothing like enjoying your sexuality, it is controlling you and at the same time empowering you….

This all started when TastyTrixie got much closer in my life, the reality of physical closeness to my husband and their connection. And we all know how that has been going for me….lol But maybe this is suppose to happen this way….if by getting through this, maybe I’m having a sexual awakening….evolving to a different level, exploring a different part of myself….we shall see.

New Developments

Hating my body right now…been hurting and irritable.

Holy cow!!! Just had the worst cramp I’ve had a very long time while in the shower. I about went down. I don’t remember the last time I felt so bad.

My poor husband doesn’t like drama…grew up with it, he creates it, but has worked hard to cut it out of our lives….is now involved with more drama then he never expected. In this he sees everything logical and no different then our normal swinging…..well, it is not. Relationships are messy, illogical, and irrational. And he is is hearing it all from the 3 most important women in his life…….and it is usually the same thing…good thing he loves us.

A conversation has been started on establishing guidelines, boundaries…..I’m not sure what to call it. But, even if hubby doesn’t want to hear it, talking even more and more will help. He is so baffled by a lot of this…..but so am I, for different reasons.

Talked about reliving me of some of my responsibilities. I’m debating about him going to the store more instead of me. But I’m not sure about that…..don’t know if I’m that much of control freak or more the fact that he is so use to be getting certain items/brands that it will be frustrating to him to find it. I think it is more that I don’t like him being frustrated…..that is why I taken on so much. And I suck at asking for help, mainly because I never think about it.

Just got a very interesting invite for a group meeting later this week. Just to make sure it is workable here. But I really would like to go. Has stuff about helping to let things ago….which are that everyone could use help with it.

New Relationships

Current Mood:Chilling emoticon Chilling & Confused emoticon Confused & Contemplative emoticon Contemplative

Hit up a friend for venting about all the pressure I’ve been feeling with everything I need to do.

Got talking about our new relationship, which is very very different from swinging.

A lot of the stuff they confirmed they agree with my insights, for other things they are like that you may look into online info about poly relationships.

I did find these, not sure how this really applies but there are something that do:


Problem is, that it is so new, you don’t always know what you NEED….I am horrible at that.

Do ask for what you need.

It may seem obvious, but if you don’t ask for what you need, you can’t expect to get the things you need. If you have a need which you feel is not being met by your partner, say so. Don’t assume that your partner knows; don’t start with the idea that if your partner “really” loved you, your partner would just be able to tell without you saying anything; and don’t assume that if your partner really loved you, your partner would already know what you need.

Don’t wait for your partner to infer your needs. When you discover that your needs aren’t being met, talk to your partner about it!

Your needs are important, and even if you believe they are irrational, they are still a legitimate part of who you are. Of course, you can’t automatically assume that you will have all your needs met at all times by everyone around you, but it’s far easier for your partner to meet a need he knows about than a need he doesn’t…

Many don’t like this one. I’m one that has to get it out or I explode.

Don’t let problems sit

Addressing problems is never comfortable. Approaching a person who is behaving in a way that causes you pain or who isn’t meeting your needs carries emotional risk. Sometimes, it’s a lot more comfortable just to let small problems slide, at least until they become big problems.

This is true in any relationship, whether polyamorous or not. As tempting as it is to let things slide, though, the fact is that small problems or irritations can become magnified out of proportion when they aren’t addressed, and this is dangerous for any relationship.

Get in the habit of being open about problems–even small ones. Listen to yourself and to your emotions; learn to be aware when something is bothering you, and develop the tools to bring these things out into the open before they have a chance to grow.

This one is harder then realized, because some have no idea how their actions affect others

Do take responsibility for your actions

If there’s any rule that’s as absolute as the law of gravity, it’s the law of unintended consequence. Your actions do and always will have consequences, even if they were not what you intended; your life is shaped by the decisions you make and the things you do. And these decisions touch your partners, and your partners’ partners, sometimes in ways you didn’t anticipate.

I have met many people who seem to feel disempowered in their lives. This feeling of victimization saves them from having to take responsibility for their actions; but the downside is that it dramatically curtails their ability to take control of their own lives. It can also mean that they use what power they do have carelessly.

Taking responsibility for the consequences–even the unintended consequences–of your actions is sometimes unpleasant. Considering the effects of your decisions on the people around you is sometimes a lot of work. The upside to doing this work, though, is it empowers you, and lets you shape your life the way you want while still being compassionate and responsible to the people around you.


These I stumbled on, not sure if anyone else has :

Don’t try to separate yourself from your lover’s other relationships

This most often happens in situations where one partner is polyamorous by nature and the other is monogamous. A number of factors can cause you to try to distance yourself from your lover’s other lovers: Fear, jealousy, insecurity, and so on.

The reality of your lover’s other relationships is almost never as bad as the fear makes it out to be. Getting to know your lover’s other partners can go a long way to driving out that fear. The fact is, a person who is involved with someone who’s poly is also in a relationship with that person’s other partners–even if it’s not a romantic relationship.

If you see those other partners as competitors, it becomes easy to dehumanize them, and the impulse is to vilify and distrust them. This tends to cause a great deal of stress on your relationship with your lover; it also tends to cause you to go crazy.

Once you see your lover’s other partners as human beings, instead of as competitors, it eases any stress you may be experiencing. It also helps you to establish healthy, happy relationships with them.

If, that is, they want a healthy relationship with you. If they don’t, then it’s important to consider the next common poly mistake, which is: 

I’m not good at this, don’t know what to put my foot down on.

Don’t be afraid to put your foot down

This is one of the hardest lessons to learn.

Not everyone is a good person, and not everyone is perfect, and not everyone makes an ideal match for your lover. Often, we may want to do things that make our partner happy, even if we know better or if we have to sacrifice our own happiness to get there.

This usually works in the short run, and usually causes pain and grief in the long run. Listen to that little inner voice; it’s rarely wrong. If something bothers you, speak up about it. If you find something completely unacceptable, say so! Even if it’s irrational, your lover should at least be willing to listen to what you have to say about it.

I’m still deciding on this, not sure what anything is telling me:

Don’t ignore that little voice in your head

This is an easy mistake to make in any kind of relationship, not just a polyamorous relationship. Sometimes, your heart may tell you one thing even when your head tells you another; even if you can’t put your finger on any rational reason why, it’s often a good idea to listen to your heart when it suggests that something might be wrong.

Just because you can’t find a rational reason why something is wrong doesn’t necessarily mean everything is OK. A wise course of action is to start with the assumption that the little voice is trying to warn you about something you have not consciously become aware of, and to delve deeper into figuring out what that may be.

The little voice is not always right, of course, But don’t write it off just because it’s not rational.

Some folks don’t get this……lol :

Don’t expect human beings to be rational all the time

We are inherently irrational beings. This is a part of the nature of man. Irrational responses are a part and parcel of who we are as human beings, and these things can’t be addressed rationally.

You may find some of your partner’s behavior or emotional response to be irrational in any romantic situation. This is not necessarily bad; love is not rational. Nor is jealousy.

Remember that you are not always rational, either. Do not attack, browbeat, or berate your partner for behaving emotionally; do not expect that your partner will always act in accordance with reason and logic. It’s not going to happen.

If your partner is acting irrationally, you must still be compassionate and respectful–even if you disagree with things your partner says or does! Treat your partner’s feelings with respect and courtesy. Try to find out why your partner feels the way he or she feels. Often, there may be some underlying reason that is not obvious; if you want to address the feeling, it’s necessary first to find out where it comes from.

People often know that it’s important to be compassionate when faced with jealousy, but it’s important to remember that all of your partner’s feelings are important. Even positive feelings, such as love or new relationship energy, can cause your partner to behave irrationally. Try to understand what your partner is feeling, and why, when you address any problems this behavior may bring up.

Develop good communication and conflict resolution skills

This one is obvious, really, but it bears repeating. A relationship is not doomed until the people in it stop talking to each other and start breaking dishes instead.
Talk to your partner. Honestly. All the time. About everything.

I think I need to find a few boards…..

Weekend Blahs

I think we finally caught up on sleep. We’ve been running ourselves ragged since the holidays. We never got fully caught up on sleep from our trip out to Seattle. And then turn around and was so busy here.  It feels like we been nothing but on the go….we are both pretty tired of that feeling.

Staying up very late on new years didn’t help….but no regrets from that night……grin

We were so looking forward to sleeping in this weekend and we got that….but sucks that I wanted to sleep in more today, but my body got too restless.

I feel so guilty, I have so much to do…..I really, really need to get to our personal books….but I’m so worn out that I didn’t do crap today. We even both laid down for a nap. Which doesn’t help the pressure I feel for the things I need to get done. =(

I even tried rolling skating for the 1st time in about 20yrs. It was much easier going down a slight incline instead of up. Need to work on my stopping….lol

Never too old for old school=)

Never too old for old school =)

Wow….I forgot how much you feel it on your feet and the skates seemed a bit tight on my toes, but I’ve had them since ’06…foot surgery slowed down trying it then, living on a steep hill in Oregon….well, I wasn’t going to try it then.

This wasn’t the best of weekends, started out really crappy…..but ending better then it started….not that it is saying much.

Just looking forward to next weekend, hopefully by then my hormonal emotions will be over. This is when I hate being a woman….makes you feel so irrational and out of control.

Need to call my folks tomorrow and check on them. They are back in the midwest dealing with this weather. =( We are glad that we aren’t there anymore.

The Holidays

Wow…..holidays really have kept me busy. Where we are at most of the staff took off, so we have been covering.

My big 4-0 ended up on a Thursday….boring. And besides who wants to go out on the day after Xmas? icks

Had an ok day for my actual bday, I’ve had better…what was the biggest disappointment was that I was so looking forward to my actual day that I really did feel cheated for the 1st time. I try not to think about it too much and focus on the weekend we had.

The good thing is we already made plans for that weekend. We were heading over to our friend’s just north of Seattle, going out for Italian (I MUST have that on for my bday now a days).

First I need to get my hair done. I discovered when we were in the desert how bad it is for my hair, but I didn’t discover that until too late. I had switched to using baking soda & vinegar over a year ago and it has been working great. But I couldn’t achieve a balance there. Plus I knew the water was somewhat hard, but to me, after living in the midwest, hard water smells bad and turns blonde hair orange, well I didn’t have that.

I ended up losing more then 6 inches of my hair. My top layer and “bangs” broke off where the scrunchy went for my pony tail! So not happy. My “bangs” were down below my chin, now I actually have bangs…not cool. Due to that, I started using coconut oil 1-2 times a week for moisture.

I was thinking that it was the desert environment, but once we hit the road again and was at a rv park in UT, I could really feel the difference in my hair…then it hits me about the water. =(

Due to all this, I had to see a professional to get it even out. Now I’m lazy and cheap…I go to beauty schools when I get my hair done normally. I really was not looking forward to it, but it needed to be done.

Our friend has really long hair and so anyone that works her hair, she has to fully trust. I decided to use her stylist. I’m very glad I did. I really liked her and she was good. She wasn’t pushy on products and was very good at giving options and ideas. She said my hair was repaired enough for a color and since I was spending so much money and missed it, I went for it.

I lost another few inches of my hair, not happy about that, but knew that was going to happen, it was needed. But it finally balanced out and hubby was very happy to have his Big Red Wife back….grin

Hubby happy to have his Big Red Wife back.

Hubby happy to have his Big Red Wife back.

I did this before we went out, due to the horrible Seattle traffic, we pushed back our reservations, because damnit I’m 40 and I wanted to dress up and look good. And I sure did…..grin…not bad for a 40yr old.

Not bad for 40….lol

Not bad for 40….lol

We went to the place they took us to a few years ago. I was disappointed that they didn’t have chicken parm…..I LOVE that….what Italian place doesn’t have that?!? That was odd, BUT they did have chicken fettuccine alfredo….HOLY COW….that was totally awesome. I’m still blown away from it. Never had alfredo that was so thick and creamy.

It was a very good night, got my white wine buzz, good smoke and awesome friends (no way to fully express how happy and grateful we are for having them in our lives). We had a funny server. He took and gave us grief back.

A very light chocolate mousse.

A very light chocolate mousse.

Our friends even got me my favorite mint chocolate chip ice cream…..grin

The next day, I had errands, I wanted hubby to have time with his best friend and play catch up and then we were thinking of leaving. Well, didn’t happen. I did my errands, he got some time with her but no real deep conversation. At the end, me and her hubby were so tired, my hubby was wired, so I’m like we can go to bed and you can stay up and talk with her. They were planning on coming to bed like within a few hours….nope up until 5am. So that was cool. =)

Thought we could sneak out at 9am and let them sleep, but they got up and made an awesome breakfast before we hit the ferry back.

It gave us time to have some really deep and good conversation. I really do love that my hubby is my best friend and I’m his and that we can do that. I treasure those moments, no matter how painful the conversation is for us….just by showing the level of trust between us.

This is kind of odd when you think about it, I’m very much feminist, but he is really very much my world. No matter what, I want him to be happy and I want him to have a strong support system in case some thing happens to me, I have one if something happens to him through my family. We are actually both loners, so our circle of close friends is very small.

Which is why I want to work through my crazy emotions when it comes to him having a gf. Because on paper, this is most perfect setup…and she fits in. So I go through my nutty emotions because I want what is best for him. Fingers cross that I succeed…..I love him too much to want what is best for him not to try. Just got to get through it……you know, the hard part…..LOL…helps that she fully understands. =)

I think and hope that the hot and mind-blowing Monday I had with her helps. Never had a woman in head for so many days afterwards.

I’ve been horny, not sure if it is the gf thing or the fact that some of things we have done has left such imagery in my head that it drives me nuts or the fact that I’m due to start my monthly any day…..I’m always horny as hell the week before. Usually horny during, but no relief….gggrrr

We had a totally fucking awesome New Years Eve….wow…we normally (9 times out of 10) introduce the new year with sex….this year was totally mind blowing. You would think after 20yrs we’ve done what we could do each other…..but nope, found even more. No details, I’ll let your imagination go….but holy cow….thoughts of that has kept me wet when I’m not focused on work.

I’m totally reinforced how much I love my husband, because his reactions are what turn me on so much.

Found out half way through the evening that a friend was by their self and a little lonely. Felt bad, if we hadn’t been drinking, we totally would have been there for them….maybe invite them in on the fun, even just to have an audience. That would’ve been hot. Even though I’m two minds of that, the selfish side of me wants to save that for myself…..the other side is turned on with the thought of seeing them seeing what we can do to each other…..I know weird….never said I was normal.

Now we’ve been trying to catch up on sleep….so looking forward to sleeping in on weekend. Been so busy working, that we are taking time to go on a long hike tomorrow. Throughly looking forward to it because I’m going nuts and need to do something for myself.

I know, I know…that is what we did last weekend. But we have been playing catch up ever since, with laundry, house hold chores….work….it is has been so rush, rush and today a mind fuck…I really want a hike. We were thinking of getting one in today, but weather wasn’t too good. So looking forward to it….especially after seeing all the bald eagles today…I never get tired of those….so majestic….yes, after getting a crash course in birding in AZ, we are birders….lol Discovered that when we are taking the Jeep off road, scratching it up just to find a bird….crazy….grin

Haven’t taken any pics lately, but enjoying my toys in the bathroom when brushing my teeth….grin Totally think I got hubby turned on the coconut oil. I love how it makes my pussy feels….nice and moist and fucked. Totally happy that Trixie turned me on to that. =)

Wow….this is so freaking long. Going to load up a few pics and get this posted.

Awesome! Force is Strong with Me!

Current Mood:Holiday Feeling emoticon Holiday Feeling

Hubby totally surprised me with this totally unpractical present!

Totally cool!

Totally cool!



This is really fun to have….grin