Current Mood: Chilling & Confused & Contemplative
Hit up a friend for venting about all the pressure I’ve been feeling with everything I need to do.
Got talking about our new relationship, which is very very different from swinging.
A lot of the stuff they confirmed they agree with my insights, for other things they are like that you may look into online info about poly relationships.
I did find these, not sure how this really applies but there are something that do:
Problem is, that it is so new, you don’t always know what you NEED….I am horrible at that.
Do ask for what you need.
It may seem obvious, but if you don’t ask for what you need, you can’t expect to get the things you need. If you have a need which you feel is not being met by your partner, say so. Don’t assume that your partner knows; don’t start with the idea that if your partner “really” loved you, your partner would just be able to tell without you saying anything; and don’t assume that if your partner really loved you, your partner would already know what you need.
Don’t wait for your partner to infer your needs. When you discover that your needs aren’t being met, talk to your partner about it!
Your needs are important, and even if you believe they are irrational, they are still a legitimate part of who you are. Of course, you can’t automatically assume that you will have all your needs met at all times by everyone around you, but it’s far easier for your partner to meet a need he knows about than a need he doesn’t…
Many don’t like this one. I’m one that has to get it out or I explode.
Don’t let problems sit
Addressing problems is never comfortable. Approaching a person who is behaving in a way that causes you pain or who isn’t meeting your needs carries emotional risk. Sometimes, it’s a lot more comfortable just to let small problems slide, at least until they become big problems.
This is true in any relationship, whether polyamorous or not. As tempting as it is to let things slide, though, the fact is that small problems or irritations can become magnified out of proportion when they aren’t addressed, and this is dangerous for any relationship.
Get in the habit of being open about problems–even small ones. Listen to yourself and to your emotions; learn to be aware when something is bothering you, and develop the tools to bring these things out into the open before they have a chance to grow.
This one is harder then realized, because some have no idea how their actions affect others
Do take responsibility for your actions
If there’s any rule that’s as absolute as the law of gravity, it’s the law of unintended consequence. Your actions do and always will have consequences, even if they were not what you intended; your life is shaped by the decisions you make and the things you do. And these decisions touch your partners, and your partners’ partners, sometimes in ways you didn’t anticipate.
I have met many people who seem to feel disempowered in their lives. This feeling of victimization saves them from having to take responsibility for their actions; but the downside is that it dramatically curtails their ability to take control of their own lives. It can also mean that they use what power they do have carelessly.
Taking responsibility for the consequences–even the unintended consequences–of your actions is sometimes unpleasant. Considering the effects of your decisions on the people around you is sometimes a lot of work. The upside to doing this work, though, is it empowers you, and lets you shape your life the way you want while still being compassionate and responsible to the people around you.
These I stumbled on, not sure if anyone else has :
Don’t try to separate yourself from your lover’s other relationships
This most often happens in situations where one partner is polyamorous by nature and the other is monogamous. A number of factors can cause you to try to distance yourself from your lover’s other lovers: Fear, jealousy, insecurity, and so on.
The reality of your lover’s other relationships is almost never as bad as the fear makes it out to be. Getting to know your lover’s other partners can go a long way to driving out that fear. The fact is, a person who is involved with someone who’s poly is also in a relationship with that person’s other partners–even if it’s not a romantic relationship.
If you see those other partners as competitors, it becomes easy to dehumanize them, and the impulse is to vilify and distrust them. This tends to cause a great deal of stress on your relationship with your lover; it also tends to cause you to go crazy.
Once you see your lover’s other partners as human beings, instead of as competitors, it eases any stress you may be experiencing. It also helps you to establish healthy, happy relationships with them.
If, that is, they want a healthy relationship with you. If they don’t, then it’s important to consider the next common poly mistake, which is:
I’m not good at this, don’t know what to put my foot down on.
Don’t be afraid to put your foot down
This is one of the hardest lessons to learn.
Not everyone is a good person, and not everyone is perfect, and not everyone makes an ideal match for your lover. Often, we may want to do things that make our partner happy, even if we know better or if we have to sacrifice our own happiness to get there.
This usually works in the short run, and usually causes pain and grief in the long run. Listen to that little inner voice; it’s rarely wrong. If something bothers you, speak up about it. If you find something completely unacceptable, say so! Even if it’s irrational, your lover should at least be willing to listen to what you have to say about it.
I’m still deciding on this, not sure what anything is telling me:
Don’t ignore that little voice in your head
This is an easy mistake to make in any kind of relationship, not just a polyamorous relationship. Sometimes, your heart may tell you one thing even when your head tells you another; even if you can’t put your finger on any rational reason why, it’s often a good idea to listen to your heart when it suggests that something might be wrong.
Just because you can’t find a rational reason why something is wrong doesn’t necessarily mean everything is OK. A wise course of action is to start with the assumption that the little voice is trying to warn you about something you have not consciously become aware of, and to delve deeper into figuring out what that may be.
The little voice is not always right, of course, But don’t write it off just because it’s not rational.
Some folks don’t get this……lol :
Don’t expect human beings to be rational all the time
We are inherently irrational beings. This is a part of the nature of man. Irrational responses are a part and parcel of who we are as human beings, and these things can’t be addressed rationally.
You may find some of your partner’s behavior or emotional response to be irrational in any romantic situation. This is not necessarily bad; love is not rational. Nor is jealousy.
Remember that you are not always rational, either. Do not attack, browbeat, or berate your partner for behaving emotionally; do not expect that your partner will always act in accordance with reason and logic. It’s not going to happen.
If your partner is acting irrationally, you must still be compassionate and respectful–even if you disagree with things your partner says or does! Treat your partner’s feelings with respect and courtesy. Try to find out why your partner feels the way he or she feels. Often, there may be some underlying reason that is not obvious; if you want to address the feeling, it’s necessary first to find out where it comes from.
People often know that it’s important to be compassionate when faced with jealousy, but it’s important to remember that all of your partner’s feelings are important. Even positive feelings, such as love or new relationship energy, can cause your partner to behave irrationally. Try to understand what your partner is feeling, and why, when you address any problems this behavior may bring up.
Develop good communication and conflict resolution skills
This one is obvious, really, but it bears repeating. A relationship is not doomed until the people in it stop talking to each other and start breaking dishes instead.
Talk to your partner. Honestly. All the time. About everything.
I think I need to find a few boards…..