Category Archives: Reflections

Just some thoughts I have had.

The Woman Connection

Current Mood:Chilling emoticon Chilling & Contemplative emoticon Contemplative

Society over the generations has taught women to judge other women even more harshly then men, taught us to tear each other down to make ourselves feel better, and to compete for a men’s attention. It is still like that, but I do not know if it my years or society, as a whole is changing, but I do not see that as much in my personal life.

Oh it is definitely still there in public, but it is getting called to the carpet…ie, the playboy bunny posting that picture with a catty comments of the other woman in the gym locker room. The backlash towards that has probably cost her the career she was trying to have in modeling.

The things I have noticed is no matter how society tries to make us women turn on each other, when it comes to locker rooms, bathrooms, spas and even nail saloons, we can be pretty nonjudgmental and supportive when the chips are down.

I have gotten into the most interesting and intimate conversations in those settings.

I have seen the beauty of what a woman’s body goes through over her life time at spas. The woman who survived breast cancer, the bringing forth life, surviving of domestic violence, and the surviving the unrealistic standards of beauty that men and society push on us.

I have had Vietnamese women ask me about my breast (3 different saloons, in different states), since I am so well endowed. They even asked to feel them, since they have never seen ones so large that are natural.

A friend and I, while waiting in a bathroom line at a club, got into a conversation with the other women in line about breasts, natural and augment. My friend had augment and mine the natural. We just started talking, showing and feeling the differences in our breasts. It was a conversation of learning, curiosity and exploring. What made it even more memorable, that one of the women that showed her breasts along with us, was at the teacher at the parent-teacher conference at my friend’s kids catholic school the next day….LOL

That was just classic, but also showed what a sisterhood us women can have, no matter what.

Even when it is not your conversation, you find yourself jumping in to support and help a fellow sister out. I have had conversations about domestic violence, breast reductions, social pressure on unrealistic beauty standards or just giving a hug to someone that is crying.

As women, we have all been there, or know a loved one that has. We have all experienced the threat of violence, whether directly or implied, we have all experienced the horror of street harassment that makes you feel small, hopeless and in danager. We have all been made to feel stupid by men and society for being women, we are treated like children, like we can not be trusted to make our own decisions about our own health and bodies, we have all suffered heart ache due to our partners, we are made to feel unattractive and when we do not, we are shamed for it. All of women has either experience sexual violence or know someone close to us that has. We are pushed into the madonna/whore dichotomy.

It is some of those common experiences that we as women goes through that helps keeps us more united then we are divided, no matter what society tries to do to us.

With other women, we do not have much of filter with each other, when it comes to the issues that we face as women. Even in very brief, 2 sentence conversations in passing at work, we women can reveal and share a lot. We understand what the other one is going through. There is not much that we consider TMI (too much info).

I know I have never been shy about my experiences with other women. I was raised in household with women that shared everything.

The more I think about it, the more special and meaningful it is. Makes me wonder if men ever have that connection to each other that we as women have? Do we have that connection due to being women or because of where we are placed in society and the issues we face?

It is a connection that we as women should never take for granted and should always encourage and support it.

Patriotism And Love of Country

Current Mood:Contemplative emoticon Contemplative

With it the combination of it being the 15th anniversary of 9/11 and an election year, it really gets me thinking about how some people view how you should be patriotic.

I love our country, but I acknowledge our bloody history, the damage we have done and still how far we need to go. To me, being a true patriot is wanting our country to make amends for our past, build on our future and really put the true meaning of “with liberty and justice for all” to work. Because honestly, we do not have equal liberty or justice in this country.

Our country is built on classism and white supremacy. Police forces were not started to help the every day people, they were developed to protect the rich. It shows in the laws and courts.

Freedom has to mean more than words, it has to mean that even if you do not agree with someone’s actions you defend their right to do it….ie, burning a flag, protesting…..that is their right. You cannot give lip service to our freedoms and then get upset when someone exercises their constitutional right. Then you truly do not believe in the freedoms that you speak about and are a hypocrite and only want what you believe in expressed.

I may detest the KKK and neo-nazis but I’ll defend their right for rallies and protest.

I do not get blind “patriotism”. That has got be most potentially dangerous form of the patriotism there is.

That is what gave us Hitler, Stalin, Mussolini….strong men….fascist and communist….murders. They were able to use blind patriotism to get to power. Feed their people the lines that they wanted to hear and then murder those who disagreed….Putin does that now. And Trump thinks that is how it should be done with as much as he praises me. I am NO fan of Reagan but he would be rolling in his grave over that.

Blind patriotism is un-American. It closes you off to what needs to be addressed, it closes you off from what fellow Americans are going through. Just because you haven’t seen or lived it, does not mean it does not happen and it is not true.

It is our duty as Americans to question the status quo for how the rich keep getting richer and the poor gets poorer, how they are destroying the middle class. How our “representatives” are in the pockets of big business and are millionaires, how they still get paid when they are not doing their job, while we would have been fired.

It is our duty hold our elected officials accountable and call them to the carpet. A prime example on 9/11 is how they all give lip service to “never forget” but do NOTHING to help the first responders that are still suffering. It is twisted that they have to be shamed and even that does not always work. They want to use the legislation to help the 9/11 first responders for their own gain with riders. That is not patriotic, that is disgusting.

It is our duty as Americans to fight for justice and social equality. It is our duty to speak up and not be lead like sheep. It is our duty to practice what we preach on the freedoms of this country.

Patriotism is loving your country, while acknowledging it’s faults while you try and make it better for the next generation.

Blogging Again

Current Mood:Beautiful Day emoticon Beautiful Day

I need to start writing again. Problem is I have my thoughts when I’m out and I can’t write them down. Then when I have the time and place, I can’t get my thoughts together, total writer’s block. Since I use the dictation feature when I text, I debating on using that and then clean it up later.

There is something about writing about the things on your mind that helps to clear your mind. Whether is about things going on in your life or issues in the news. And I have lots of thoughts on those, as one can see from my twitter/facebook feeds.

I got to thinking more about writing when my cousin sent me this link :
https://www.freedomwithwriting.com/freedom/uncategorized/2000-feminist-writing-fellowships-from-bitch-media/

It would be totally cool to write for Bitch. When I had time, I use to get it and Ms….two of my favorites for women issues.

I need to practice before I go for something like this and even if I wasn’t interested in something like that, I still would like to start blogging again. Not just tweeting, even though I love tweeting.

I love the way twitter lets me share stories that I find interesting or informative. Yes, I know that most of the stories are ones that I agree with, and it shows that I am a political addict. But some stories are just ones that I find interesting.

I love the stories and variety of people that you can find on twitter.

Even if you never tweet, if you love learning and experiencing different people, or even just keeping up with the news, sports and world events, I highly recommend getting a twitter account and start following.

I love learning and passing on information. I’m a big believer in that you should never stop learning and passing it on. You never know what pepple of information may effect someone in a positive way.

I remember when I was younger I wanted to make big waves in the world….something positive to help us advance our society, to help fight social injustices.

Realistically, I don’t see that happening now…..too busy just trying to survive and enjoy life. =)

A few years ago, a friend of mine revealed to me that the little things I did helped him to accept himself. I know it wasn’t all me, but by simply treating him with respect and like everyone else, I made a difference in his life.

So even if I am not making huge social waves that I thought I might do with my life, I am making a difference in my small corner of the world. I may not know how or for sure, but you never know when you plant a seed for it down the line. Even if it is just being friendly and smiling at a stranger.

This was both easier and harder to write then I thought. It is my first attempt in a very, very long time. I hope I am able to keep it up. =)

Women & Sexuality

Current Mood:Annoyed emoticon Annoyed & Contemplative emoticon Contemplative

Working back in brick and mortar takes some getting use to again. Not just the fact that you are no longer setting your own schedule from home, doing your own thing, and depending on what you are doing you can get isolated from having to deal with people that have hang ups about women.

When we worked from home, the group of people we worked with online had very different views, no doubt about that, but not so contradictory as some of the ones I have encounter recently.

What is it with some men not being able to handle women having sexuality and wanting to express it? Why do they have to make comments as if when a woman expresses her sexuality that it is unacceptable?

It is messed up.

I have meet repressed people that they can not seem to handle it if their female partner’s dress shows her shoulders. I am like, wow, really?!? Yet, they are fascinated and make comments on other women’s pictures when they are showing off.

Just like every other person that I have meet that has stated that they are conservative on sexuality, it does not stop them from expressing it in their comments and discussion. It is either very hypocritical or they are trying to expand their own boundaries of thought.

They are same ones that outlaw porn yet spend the most on money on it. Some of the biggest freaks I have meet are self described conservatives (nothing do with politics).

I get so tired of the issues that society has with women enjoying their sexuality. They should not have to hide it, they should not have to apologize for it and it sure in hell does not mean that they are asking for it.

Those attitudes about women’s sexuality is what leads to the victim blaming rape culture that we have today. Leads to rapists getting off on probation, getting suspended jail sentences. While the victim tries to rebuild their life, while living in fear and PTSD.

And it is not good enough to know what consent means and practice it yourself, you also have to call out your male friends for their non-consent ways/jokes, call them to the carpet, don’t just laugh it off. Let them know that it is unacceptable. If you do not, you are part of the problem.

My Twitter Dilemma

Current Mood:Contemplative emoticon Contemplative

Trying to decide how and what I’m going to do with my TKV twitter. Our lives are moving in a different direction. Other then this blog….

But I’m also proud of the history I have on twitter, over 27k in tweets….one of the 1st to use it. I can suspend my account and after 30days they delete everything. Now I’ve downloaded my archive of all my tweets….so I have that for shits and giggles of my history.

But if I delete my account, does it free up my Toni_KatVixen name like a phone number for someone else to grab? Well, even if I don’t use it anymore…..this is MY name and I won’t be impersonated……I’m very territorial to my name. We built it, this is who I was for so many years and I’m not going to have some wannabe take it.

Right now, I don’t need to delete it to remove my online presence and I can still update it….but I not really sure about it. If I do a tweet I think it’ll just be my posts here…..I’m so undecided.

Debating on just changing the design (no site promotion), keep it private like I have it and put up a generic picture….not really sure what I want to do and how I’m going to do it.

NFL & Domestic Violence

I’ve been mulling the Rice video and the NFL’s horrible response to it over the last week or so.

First, Domestic Violence is a SOCIETY issue…..not an NFL issue. NFL players are no more likely to beat their partners then the general population, it is actually less common. In fact, POLICE are the worst abusers of DV (power & the blue code of silence enables it) :

Police Have a Much Bigger Domestic Abuse Problem Than the NFL (Must Read)
http://www.theatlantic.com/national/archive/2014/09/police-officers-who-hit-their-wives-or-girlfriends/380329/?single_page=true

Yet, they get to keep their guns and that is how most women will die in a DV situation.

Second, I believe that Ray Rice needed to be punished, but I don’t believe in banning him where he can’t work. I don’t know if he is a serial abuser or if it was the first time something like this has happened, we won’t know. I believe he and his wife should be helped. Because when you punish him that extensively, you are punishing her.

The NFL has totally screwed up on how they have handled it in todays social media and videos, but if it happened a few years ago….they handled it like they have always handled it…look up the history for both college and NFL football programs and how DV abusers were handled. And like majority of society has handled it, the history as been to ignore it…..it is nothing new, as this article states :

“Violence is tolerated as long as the player performs well and the act doesn’t become a public embarrassment”
http://www.jconline.com/story/sports/nba/pacers/2014/09/12/domestic-violence-advocates-george-failed-realize-impact-domestic-abuse/15511281/

The NFL needs to educate their people and help them, you can’t just punish, you need both. They need to be given a chance until they blow it.

I use to volunteer at a Women’s Shelter in Indiana, did it for almost 10yrs. You learn that it isn’t as simple as “why doesn’t she leave”, you learn that it is more complex, you learn that it can effect anyone, no matter of race, gender, money or social standing. Some just hide it better then others. You think “I won’t put up with it” and then learn that it can be more gradual, more stealthy then an obvious hit.

Stories to help you understand :

#WhyIStayed Stories Reveal Why Domestic Violence Survivors Can’t ‘Just Leave’
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/09/09/whyistayed-twitter-domestic-violence_n_5790320.html

‘Why Didn’t You Just Leave?’
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/09/12/why-didnt-you-just-leave_n_5805134.html

It takes an average of 7 times before a victim will leave their abusers and that is if they survive leaving them, some do not.

The emotional and mental abuse will do more damage in the long run then the physical, giving DV victims PTSD.

The pros out of this is that it may be finally shifting the conversation about DV, getting people to acknowledge it, fund the programs that need it, get help. With focusing on the NFL, a highly visible part of society, maybe it can set an example for country and perpetrators of DV that it isn’t acceptable and easily ignored like it use to be.

The cons is the focus is too much on the NFL overall, what about the Police and what about poor women and women of color (who experience DV at a higher then the general population)? Military spouses, made worst by PTSD and when I grew up on Army Posts, it was always worst on pay day due to the drinking.

I’ve seen former wives of high ranking military officers, women of high company executives and poor women a like come through the shelter. I’ve seen a little boy no more then the age of 6 yelling and screaming at his mom, calling her all sorts of names because that is what he grew up seeing. I’ve seen girls getting tied to their abuser in their teenage years and never being able to get out.

And yes, men can be and have been victims of DV, not just women.

This is complex society issue that needs to finally be addressed and not just swept aside as it has been in the past.

An Exit Action Plan For Leaving An Abusive Relationship
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/09/18/leaving-an-abusive-relationship_n_5840504.html

How To Stay Safe After Leaving An Abusive Relationship
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/09/18/safety-after-leaving-abusive-relationship_n_5840826.html

Social Media & The New Feminist Wave

What an age we are now living in when it comes to communication. Con wise, we seemed to have become more partisan, but there is a greater awareness of issues that didn’t seem to exist before.

Looking at it through the issues that are normally swept aside because they are considered “women” issues and not humanity issues, social media has been huge.

I love the fact that a new generation of women and discovering feminism and learning and fighting against the misconception that it is about man-hating. That ignorance about feminism as always driven me nuts….

Women who have grown up being told by their parents that they can be anything, do anything are finding that the majority of the other half of the race doesn’t believe that. That it is institutionalized. They are finding that with social media they don’t have to be forced into silencing what they have experienced (rape, sexual harassment and now domestic violence (DV)). Many things that have been swept under the rug and ignored. They are tired of the double standards, the slut shaming, blaming the victim…they are making society notice them and the social ills we have and what they face.

If you would’ve told me a few years ago that colleges will be finally forced to face the rape culture or the due to the Rice video, that society is finally facing our DV culture I would’ve said “I hope so, but don’t hold your breath”.

It does bother me when people try to pigeon hole feminism. Just because you enjoy, celebrate your sexuality doesn’t mean you can’t be a feminist. Which some argue about Beyonce or Nicki Minaj…saying they help with the objectification of women. When you are controlling your own images and not allowing it to define you, you aren’t allowing others to objectify you. You are celebrating one of the many things that makes us human…..we are intellects, sisters, mothers, professionals, daughters, wives and yes, sexual beings. We should not be forced to deny that or any other part of us.

I love that we have such a diverse group of women finally standing up and claiming their feminism. From Beyonce (which is great on getting more and more younger women to explore and learn about it), Emma Watson speaking at the UN, Taylor Swift finally realizing and claiming the feminist label and men who freely claim the label, such as Joseph Gordon-Levitt.

The term Feminist has been so twisted and misused that it gives me hope to see being finally reclaimed for what it actually means :

“the belief that men and women should have equal rights and opportunities” (Merriam-Webster)

New Life Chapter

Current Mood:Reflective emoticon Reflective

Well….been a long time since I’ve posted anything. I’ve may be permanently deleting my twitter. Made it private for now because there are some accounts that I follow that I wanted to grab before deleting it.

There has been some changes going on in our lives and it just may be time to move on from this chapter of our lives.

But I am debating on whether or not to keep my blog here. Because this blog is my personal history of development and exploration of myself…emotionally, sexually and intellectually….in a lot of ways more of my pride and joy then my site ever was due to my growth. And there are things I can express here and I do not wish to express on my more family medians of my life.

Not really sure how or what I’m going to do, just know that one chapter of our lives is closing and another is opening.

Life Turmoil & Stress

The last two weeks as been hell. Everything is fine between us, but we have been thrown a big curve ball and now are having to make some big changes in our lives. Feels like the rug has been pulled out from under us.

We are scrambling to get our lives back on track. Some days we are fine, some days we are in panic, other days we just want to break down. I had one of those yesterday…..just had to break down and have a good cry.

Didn’t get to work that much on one of our back up plans this week, need to change that tomorrow. Been scrambling to find other back ups and having work on my end of the month project, along with my work. My brain has been so scattered, I really need to regain some of my focus tomorrow. Sometimes I feel as if I’m losing my mind.

Right now, finally taking some time out for myself and watching a movie with my hubbie. Still want to have another good cry, but I really hate the lost of control feeling and getting a stuffy nose.

Been eating because we have to eat, sure not because we feel like it. Tummy has not been happy.

I try and tell myself that we’ve been through hell before and we’ll get through it. But it still so damn scary.

It helps that we still have each other and are able to talk and hold each other up.

We’ve been together for over 20yrs, yet we are always learning more about each other and about ourselves. And we have learned so much over the last year. Communication is always improving, understanding of who we are and why we react the way we do…..it really helps to see that in times of turmoil……even when turmoil sometimes helps us to gain a higher understanding and communication with each other, like it did this winter. But we have no regrets on how it has made us closer, just regrets on how the turmoil ended on a bad note.

Complicated

Oh, you’re not easy to love
You’re not easy to love, no
You’re not easy to love
You’re not easy to love, no

Why is everything with you so complicated
Why do you make it hard to love you
Oh I hate it
‘Cause if you really wanna be alone
I, will throw my hands up ‘Cause baby I tried
But everything with you is so complicated

-“Complicated” Rihanna

As I sing along to the playlist I had going the other day……

Hubby teasingly “Why you saying mean things about me?”

Me “I’m just singing along….besides I think this can apply to about 90% of relationship”

Hubby, laughing “I don’t have any other relationships….I’m just concerned with one”

Me….laughing….”well, you are complicated”

Dawns on me later, things are complicated as normal….but a lot less complicated then it was.  A lot more laughter, more of a team.

Just an offbeat moment.

Relationships & Reflections

While visiting our dear friend, talked about relationships and what they encompass.

For one all relationships, including our friends and my best friend’s, have some type of dysfunction. I haven’t seen a relationship that hasn’t, anyone that thinks theirs isn’t is lying to themselves and shouldn’t throw stones. But they are totally mistaken if that is what a relationship, especially ours, is based on. And have no place in lecturing others on theirs as if theirs is so perfect.

For many people, we just call it being quirky.

Some relationships have more dysfunction then others, ours has some….but it we have a good balance of love, respect and a lot of laughter that out weighs it all. We’ve learned to work through things and through the years, we changed and grown….people who truly and honestly know us, see it. Those who don’t, refuse to see it.

What works for one relationship, doesn’t work for others…it is that simple.

Part of being a couple, usually means two independent people becoming codependent. They complement each other with their strengths and their weaknesses. It is not a bad thing. What kind of couple are you if you are not somewhat codependent emotionally?

Hubby depends on me to manage our life, long term planning, and be there for him. I depend on him to help me when I’m feeling overwhelmed (he is really good at making me laugh to help on that), keep me focus and be there for me, makes me feel SAFE. That is what couples do, find the one that completes the other. We have a very good strength together, that we may not have as much if we weren’t.

To think that being told that you are codependent on your partner should be an insult, is an insult in itself and unbecoming.

Talked to my best friend, she is still enjoying the fact that her life is just filled with regular life stress and the mother-in-law and niece are gone. She is much happier, just now living in her car and she drives her kids back forth everywhere and errands.

But she is so tired of the snow, she is about to go stir crazy. She has never enjoyed winter and snow and she is much farther north then she use to be and with this winter, it has been much worst.

I remember when she moved to where she is years ago and she was miserable. All her family is in Indiana, but as the years have gone by she has really enjoyed being several hours away from them and all their drama.

When she was younger, she was a hell raiser and didn’t take any shit. I was the one always trying to get her to behave….lol…that is why her folks trusted her with me. I was the only one of her friends allowed to visit her when she was in group homes, because they figured I was a good influence on her. As she has gotten older, she picks her battles because she just doesn’t want the drama and crap. She doesn’t even answer all her family calls anymore.

Certain family members gives her crap about where is the old version of her, the hell raiser….then they start in on her, she takes the hits, takes the hits, just tries to ignore it and give it time to address it later, but they don’t quit. Then they call her bitch when she goes off. What the hell do they expect?!?

If you keep coming at someone, don’t give them a chance to absorb it, mull it over, address it when they are ready…. You deserve to be hit back. They aren’t going to listen to you anymore….they are going to tune you out and strike.

So it is ok for them to attack her continuously and then when she defends herself because she has had enough, she is in the wrong? That is so hypocritical. They always twist things as if they are innocent and they are far from it. It is all about her issues and never about theirs.

So it is ok for them to shut her out weeks on end and she does it for one week and they freak out? Something is wrong with that picture. If you dish it out, you sure should be able to take it.

With that kind of crap they throw at her, they totally talk themselves out of her life….she wants nothing to do with them. Especially when they disrespect her, her marriage, and her kids continuously. No one needs that.

With what I’ve seen over the last few years personally, I just do not understand those people. So much drama and spit. Happy to have a lot of that cut out of our lives, much of that started when we cut out some of family members out of our lives years ago….it was like a huge weight off of our shoulders.

Over time, we’ve cut out even more. Never understand when we seem to invite it back in, it is just not worth it. It hurts to cut people out of our lives, we miss the friendship, but in the end, we don’t regret it and are happier for it. Then we look back in hindsight and are like, how did we not see the signs, how did we not know how this will end? And if we saw it ending, how did we not see how immature it would end?

Loving the NorthWest

I look back and wonder if my illogical emotions had to do with sensing that something was off. He has seen a lot in hindsight that there were signs. A lot of things were twisted and a lot of things we have no idea where they came from. Felt our relationship was disrespected and they really didn’t have a clue about what we makes us work when there is much, much more to it. Found that what we perceived was a false image.

Need to do some more reading, writings and mulling….I’m one that takes time to process.

Watching North By Northwest…..never seen this. Love the Indiana reference for a nonexistent place….I know for a fact no spot on Hwy 41 looks like that and does not go near Indy…..lol

We’ve been having some really sweet weather here, may wake up cold, but ends up nice and sunny, with the occasional fog rolling in.

I finally got a copy of some of the pictures we’ve been taken.

My first Great Blue Heron I got in Feb.

My first picture of the Great Blue Heron I got in Feb.

Hubby got this picture in Feb.

Hubby got this picture in Feb.

Found this stunning beauty, this was after it was done with it's fish it was tearing apart.

Found this stunning beauty, this was after it was done with the fish it was tearing apart….I was 15 ft from the dock that is about 100ft long

It just took off as I was trying to get closer, I was happy that I got this.

It just took off as I was trying to get closer, I was happy that I got this.

I'm pretty proud of this pic that I got last week of the Great Blue Heron

I’m pretty proud of this pic that I got last week of the Great Blue Heron

First Golden Eagle of The Year

First Golden Eagle of The Year that hubby got.

Been making sure I get my walks in. Every time I feel like a nap, I take a walk to do something to wake up.

From today's walk

From today’s walk…no where near as bundled up

I’m so happy that hubby enjoys my belly, I know to I need to work on it again. He likes to grab it it and my boobies when I go by. Tells me that he likes my pouchy….grin I have been doing my walks, need to do more crunches on the exercise ball….and I think I’m getting closer to tracking my food again. I know I’ve already cut back and question myself when I want something. Hoping to be so busy this summer that it helps.

We had some very good sex last night…..his legs were so sore from his run, he is like “take advantage of me”….grin So I started sucking him as he lays there on the bed, getting him good and hard…..before he took me from behind and fucked me good, letting me feel his balls hit my pussy as he banged into me….as I told him how much I loved and got off to thinking about our last fuck we did outside a few weeks ago. How he bent me over the Jeep’s passenger seat and filled my pussy with his hot cum….it has felt so damn good.

And with that image….I’ll give you a picture of my tits……grin

This is my very worn, hole filled, tank top.  I only wear this around the house or as an undershirt….but I love how my tits look in it.

This is my very worn, hole filled, tank top. I only wear this around the house or as an undershirt….but I love how my tits look in it.

A More Peaceful Life

Didn’t sleep very well last night…..I couldn’t get my arms comfortable and I was either too cold or too warm. But had some great morning sex….that always helps…..grin

Totally meant to do taxes this weekend. But we ended up watching Hunger Games – Catching Fire Friday night. Really enjoyed the movie, so I finally started in on the books Saturday evening, got the trilogy done by 2am Monday. =)

I did get all our tax prep done Saturday….did some writing, felt restless….really didn’t want to do emails or think anymore about life happenings. So I decided that I really wanted to finally to attack the trilogy. Once I got into them, I got addicted. It has been so long since I took that time for myself.

We did do some spring cleaning and getting rid of some dead weight. When you live in a box on wheels, weight means a lot and we’ve had a lot lately.

Talked to my best friend today, the mother-in-law and niece are gone! She is so happy to have her life back. We both are….she was to actually clean her house the way she wanted with her music going, watching what she wants when she chills out.

Life here is a lot more less stressfully and more peacefully. A lot learned, we both are at more peace now.

We are staying close in the area this summer and no ferry schedule to worry about. We are hoping to get the boys for a couple of weeks this summer. They are main reason why we came to this area. Still so much more to tell them about life.

Just watched Gone With The Wind….I’ve never seen it, read the book years ago….back in 8th grade. Interesting movie…..but boy the book and it glossed over the horrors of slavery…rolling eyes.

Hoping to actually be able to sleep tonight. =)

Walks and Focusing

I really can’t believe it is March….last year totally blew by and this one seems to be going by even faster…icks

I started my walker earlier, like I wanted, was only planning on short one…an hour or so….weeellll….about 3hrs later….lol Got to see 2 Bald Eagles right off the bat, I NEVER get tired of them. Got to hear tree frogs going nuts. Saw a Great Blue Heron that at first was standing so still I thought it was a cut out someone put there…….lol Then it moved, it was hunting so that is why it was so still….that was cool. And then got to see even more Bald Eagles. =)

We really need to go birding together…been a while for that. The problem is the best time is very early in the morning and we do like to sleep in on our days off….doh! Of course, when we are trying to ID them from our photos we are complaining on how much we hate them because it is so hard, as we go out to see more of them….lol

I lucked out and the tide was out…..I’ve been wanting that for a while. You get this huge massive parcel of beach you rarely get. So I decided to keep going and head out to the rock that the seals were making a racket on. Of course, once I got there, they quieted down and just laid there……rolling eyes. Plus lost my new camera brush…I seem to be good at losing things when I don’t have a jacket with pockets on….ggeezz

I ended up spending that time talking to my best friend…I don’t know what I would do without her. Dealing with strangers can be exhausting, but when it comes to people you love, it energizes me….I love being there for her and knowing that she is there for me. Oh, good news, the mother-in-law and niece are leaving soon and the best part, her husband FINALLY gets what she has been trying to tell him. I’m so glad for her……once they are gone…party time…and normal family stress…..grin

Hubby has been doing 3miles runs daily again, now that he can see. So he has been feeling it in his legs and feet. I haven’t been skating, I want to get out and see critters and nature. The down side, is that it takes so much time away from what I need to be doing, but at the same time, I’m enjoying it. Maybe it’ll force me to focus more on the weekends on getting things done. The issue is that we are use to getting our exercise out the way in the am, then have the rest of the day. Well, we are getting our hours in first, not the exercise…..so we are all screwy and feel out of wack…and now we are hitting the wall sooner.

Hubby came out to meet me (his run takes about 35min, then hits the shower) and we walked back. I love it when we have long conversations. It makes me feel more connected to him and after all this time, I’m still learning something new about him and seeing how we are both changing and growing.

The first night we spent time together over 20yrs ago, we were up until 4-5am just talking…..and did that the next 3 nights. I’m barely making it to classes and work the next day, but we so enjoyed it. I don’t remember the details of what we talked about, but it was about race issues, sexism, religion, music, military, growing up, our families, issues of the day….all the deep subjects that we totally agreed on, just getting to know each other. I was totally blown away that I meet a guy from the midwest that believed the same way I did. I had meet so many racist and sexist jerks there that I wasn’t bothering with the men there….figured that I needed to travel out of the state.

We have always been people for conversation…even through IMs. We aren’t ones for loud bars, especially him….slight hearing lost due to the Navy…when we go out with friends, we want to have conversations with them….see what is going on with them in their lives….we’ve had many late nights with friends just talking.

When I asked about him not reading here, he hasn’t read here in way over a year…..maybe a couple of years. He is like if it is important I should be telling him, not posting it here and with us talking, why read it here. Which is true….for one, things should stay between us, present a united front no matter what…that is part of being couple and soul mates.

So I was in the wrong on posting a lot of our stuff out here…. A lot of it was me freaking out and trying to formulate my thoughts, needing an outlet….just the wrong outlet. Now I have a text file that I vent on to help deal with my emotions and thoughts, I talk to my best friend and decide whether to approach it or how to approach it from there. 90% of gets told to him, it is just how and when.

I have been feeling more focused lately, even if I can’t get to everything time wise….I really, really need to work on that….we have taxes and want to sell a few items we have in storage. I like having my focus back, I’ve been on such an emotional irrational roller coaster that I lost it and never had time to fully recover from our cross country trip. So I’m hoping that I can keep it….I need it to manage our lives.

Today’s Drama

Current Mood:Beautiful Day emoticon Beautiful Day

Hubby is feeling much, much better. Still very light sensitive, wearing sunglasses a lot, even when inside. Everything is blurred when he tries and sees out of that eye. He didn’t run today, but laid down in the dark and gave his eyes a rest, which I’m very glad he did…he doesn’t always give his body time to heal when needed.

Like I told him, I’m not surprised that he is feeling more tired. I use reading to tire myself out to sleep, so he is tiring his eyes out more…one because it is doing double duty, the other because it is trying to heal. Then you add the stress of the pain, no wonder why he is tired. He is trying to recover. I’m just so happy he is feeling better. Hopefully he’ll be almost normal this weekend.

Well, starting tomorrow, I’m out of commission, all the signs are there. Of course he thought I was a few days ago……doh! Like he hasn’t notice that I haven’t been wearing panties to bed….lol He just gets in the mind set that when I tell I’m about due he just thinks that I’m out of commission. Much easier just to tell him when I start then the pre cycle crazy…lol But he was in way too much pain for anything anyway. So my wand has been getting a work out…..my arm has been hurting….lol Now IF I’m lucky, I’ll get hit with my hardest day sooner then later and then I’ll be over it.

Spent about an hour the phone with my best friend (she is really more like my sister, but closer, so sometimes saying best friend to me symbolize the closeness to me even more then sister) and my nephews and niece. Her husband is feeling like crap, like it is all his fault of the things that are happening and sent a really depressing, the most unlikely text that they didn’t know how to handle it. I’m like you need to let him know you understand, that he isn’t worthless, that you see his side, his mom’s side and that you are there for him. Then I tried to explain the sides as I see them. That you need to reassure that you love him and that he isn’t worthless.

She had put me on the speaker phone so all the kids could hear me, a first for me. I encourage them to have a family meeting (WITHOUT his mom and niece) so they could work it out and present a united front, to show that he isn’t alone. And with that text, I’m like you guys need to text him love, support and encouragement since he works the night shift and you can’t exactly go there and give him hugs. Well, I guess my bf got out voted by her kids and they were heading to his job and stopping to get him some food on the way.

I got my fingers crossed that it helps and works out, I’m stressing it. I’m so afraid that I gave the wrong advice. But when someone is feeling like such a piece of crap through no real fault of their own, I feel they need encouragement and need to see that their family has their back. He is a good guy, I don’t see eye-to-eye on a lot of things with him, but I know he sacrifices a lot for his family, and he just doesn’t know how to handle it….well, who the hell would? Between his mom and his wife and then his kids……..he just wants to make everyone happy, but it is not happening. I’m almost afraid to hear what happened when they showed up at his work…..I so hope he sees that it is done in love and support.

So hoping hubby’s best friend is free this weekend. I would so love to go and see her and her husband. Been missing them and worry about the stress they are going through.

I did get a walk in today. It was a beautiful day. I did 3.81 miles in about 90 minutes. Got to see and hear a bald eagle, I NEVER get tired of that……grin Playing on another walk tomorrow. =)