Evening,

On this day 4 yrs ago, Torn put our site online. It is hard to believe it has been four years. Sometimes it feels as if we just started, there is still so much we need to learn, & sometimes it feels like we’ve been doing it forever.

We started the site as a hobby & an expression of our sexual desires. We had been swinging on & off for about 4 yrs by then & was having a great time taking naughty pics, especially the sneaky ones in public. Taking those pics got us so hot. (grin) Doing my first cam show…….I thought I was going to die. I’ve gotten better, but I use to suffer from huge stage fright where I just wanted to take down the whole site. I hated those shows. I would have fun after it started but before that………I was a wreck for about an hour before. Drove Torn nuts.

I see how I have progressed in my sexuality & confidence & I love that. But I was so scared on having my pics online. I had always wanted to get involved in politics or do some thing publicly for a cause. At the shelter I was “faceless” in that most of the people I worked with didn’t have pcs or didn’t have the opportunity to surf porn. I don’t know if talking about the shelter is what drew the attention of the hypocrite, but it shouldn’t have mattered.

Really the only thing I regret I have about it all is that it has shut the doors on some of options I had in my life, but I know that when one door shuts another must open. But I am just not seeing it. I don’t know, things happen for a reason, they always have in my life……. There has to be something that I can do to make the world a better place (at least my corner of it) & not have my site go against me. Maybe a sex therapist, not. lol

Some of the things I love about what having the site has done, besides my sexuality progression, is the true, true friends we have made, the traveling, the different experiences we have had. I do like the fact that it gave us different options in our lives, job wise. Torn is much better off then where he was. It has freed us to travel, at least job wise for Torn. I’ve learned a lot so far & hope to be able to learn a lot more & help Torn out & truly be a partner in it.

Who knows where we will be in a year, but I bet we’ll still be here. =)
Toni

It is amazing how much better my mouth feels since I had that root canal yesterday. I was a little sore this morning but that was it. I was talking to one of my employees & she felt the same way as I did, that root canals were no big deal. They never bother her either. Nice to that I wasn’t the only one that felt that way. =)

I have got to say that I have some of the best clients. I had one call me the other day to check on me. They make me feel as if I don’t have many clients for our services as more like people who like to stop by and visit & occasionally use our services. They look for me & love to chat. =)

The local paper in this town finally reported the closing of our divisions (after I wrote them & told them what a low grade paper they were, lol, I’m so damn mouthy sometimes, lol) & had taken pics at the other division across town. It didn’t bother me, I had the day off & that division was the first one in this town & has been here for about 50yrs, so I felt it deserved the focus. Some of my regular clients were upset that they didn’t have my pic in the paper. lol I thought that was classic and so sweet. =) Honestly, I didn’t care if I was in it or not, I just wanted the pasting of our business acknowledged. Plus, with me having a site, not a very good idea to be in the public eye like that, especially after losing the shelter.

What is weird is that folks that I do business with around town (like my bank & drugstore) who I never really talked to about my job ask about it since the story. It is like they all knew what I do, even though I didn’t know they did. I guess I’m not use to being in one place (been here for almost 11 yrs, now) so long that people recognize me either through my job or through Torn. Weird, but cool.

Vegas

I know it has been about a month. lol I got to meet & on the convention floor. It was so cool to meet the folks that I read about & peek into their lives. was so nice & actually shy. =) was looking good. =)

Torn got drunk a few times. lol It was funny. I only got drunk once but it was a blast. One of the porn companies sponsored a party at Game Works (a game arcade) where all the food & drink was free. Torn had done his partying earlier & just wanted to chill, so it was my turn. (grin)

So I went with all our friends. I wore my new leather vest, leather skirt & the boots Torn got me for Xmas. I looked good. (grin) Took me a bit to find the drink I liked to get drunk on. (grin) I got so drunk, I was groping strange men with out them knowing it was me. LMAO The poor waiter, every time he went by I felt him up. By the end of the night he was bringing all my friends & me drinks without me asking. (evil grin)

I was feeling no pain. LMAO The only problem I had (which I hate when I drink) was constantly running to the bathroom (like every 5 min & I’m not exaggerating). So when of course we left & had to get a cab, I had to go potty, yet again. If you ever meet our group, they are so unorganized that they drive you batty. I love them, but they can be worst then a bunch of women to get going. lol So I just couldn’t handle it & said that’s it, I’m heading to Denny’s cuz I had to pee. LOL Dan would not let me. He grabbed a cab, put me and 2 other friends in it, gave money to the driver & sent us to the Venetian. Thank god! We got there in time. =) Boy, did I feel better after we got there. (Grin)

Pretty much we spent the rest of our time networking & working the floor & party room for CamZ. It was cool. We got to meet so many folks that we just know through the webmaster boards.

But that is Vegas in a nutshell. lol We didn’t get but one shoot in (it was a hot & fun one), but that was our fault. I know that we are supposed to have gotten a lot of photos done, but the networking we did was also priceless. It was weird, but cool that folks were seeking me out. =) Since Torn interacts with the other webmasters more then me & handles the tech &
networking, they usually talk to him. I’m thinking since we have been online for 4yrs (as of tomorrow) & have been to 4 conventions they have gotten more familiar with us & know we aren’t just some fly-by night site. It felt good. =)

Time to call it a night. =)
Toni

Evening,

I’m so thankfully that this day came. Even though it was my day off, I was up around 5:30am cuz I had some dentist appointments. The dentist stuff is kind of a long story, so here goes.

About a year ago one of my teeth was slightly cold sensitive but was no big deal. When my sinuses started acting up about a month ago I was getting extremely sensitive & knew I needed to see the dentist, but it was the holidays & then Vegas. If you didn’t know, sinus infections can go to your teeth. I finally was able to schedule an appointment & of course it was not hurting & we couldn’t pin point it. =( And the messed thing is that I never took the antibiotics for my sinuses cuz I wanted it to show up on the X-rays so we knew what tooth is was. That was last Thursday; I was not a happy camper. Especially with me losing my job, I need to get everything done before the end of February since we are losing our insurance.

Yesterday morning while having my Wheaties (my standard breakfast, lol), I ended up on the ground in EXTREME pain. Holy cow, I just wanted to die. I was breaking into hot flashes, my ear started aching, & it was just horrible. I was using so much of the mouth pain stuff that I should’ve had an IV to it. Today was my day off & luckily I already had an appointment for my general dentist about a possible different issue. Well, we found the problem tooth. When he tapped it, I wanted to cry & punch the poor guy.

Torn had an appointment at the specialist 2 hours later & that was the office I needed for my problem. Torn had a 2 hour procedure to work on an old root canal & had to be picked up because of the pain killers. I felt bad for how much they had to do to him. It was one of those things that they had to drill a hole into the tooth to get to the root & infection., so he has stiches now. But even though his tooth was really long, the doc said that is was surprisingly textbook. So I’m thankful for that.

So luckily, they were able to get me in today, in fact an hour after I picked up Torn. So I had a particle root canal today, thank god. I was so relieved that they got me in. I was never so happy to see those numbing needles in my life. When he numbed me, it was the best I felt in two days. =)

Right now he cleaned out the infected part (it was a tooth that was worked on in ’88) & has it packed with meds. I go back in to get it finished in 2 weeks. At least we got the right tooth. I think the pain from the uppers went to the bottom, cuz that is what I originally thought it was. (At least I’m hoping, can’t afford another root canal & then try and get a crown, very necessary & expensive)

Now, just an observation, I know that having root canals are supposed to be a painful thing to go through, but they never have bothered me. I usually just sleep though them. I’m a little sore from having my mouth open so long, tender where they put the needles & the problem tooth is sore, but I don’t take much pain killers. I think it is because I’m in so pain before that this is nothing in comparison; in fact I’m almost grateful for how little it hurts. Weird, I know. Lol

So I didn’t get done what I thought I would today (didn’t help that I took too long of a nap since I didn’t get much sleep last night), but at this point I don’t care. I was just happy as hell to get rid of some pain.

I’ll probably have a few more long posts in the next few days, I still haven’t said too much about Vegas. Something always seems to come up. Lol I’ve also had some interesting discoveries at work that I need to share. =)

Toni
PS. Why hell isn’t my Scrubs on???!! Annoying…..gggrrrr

I saw this on ’s journal: President Match

1. Kerry Score: 100%
2. Kucinich Score: 95%
3. Edwards Score: 94%
4. Dean Score: 91%
5. Clark Score: 90%
6. Sharpton Score: 87%
7. Lieberman Score: 80%
8. Bush Score: 21%

It has been an extremely busy & long day, but satisfying.

I had to be at work at 6am today. It was busy as hell today. But it was cool, I had all but one of my employees working today & we almost never get to the chance to all work together. It was great. My people are college kids & have a great sense of humor. They help me forget my problems & make me feel good.

I didn’t really think any of them would be interested, but since our division is closing I suggested we get together one last time after it closes. Since we are closing the week of Valentines & everyone will more then likely be busy that weekend, we decided to go bowling on the 21st. I’m so looking forward to it. =) The manager for the other division in town wants to come & some of other former employees. Only one of my employees is not of drinking age, but he didn’t express much interest in the get together. So that was cool.

I was going to work on email (I’ve been neglecting them as of late), but Torn got a call when I was in the bath, we have our first house showing tomorrow. So we did a quick clean of the house. Luckily I scrubbed the master bath a few days ago, so it wasn’t that bad. I’m hoping that this house showing is a good sign of things to come. Keep your fingers crossed. But a quick FYI, the housecamz come down during showings. =)

I had a really nice show tonight. It was a topless chat since my monthly started. It was a great change of pace, though I probably babbled a few ears off. lol

We got some more snow last night & today. It wasn’t too bad. I’ve been tempted to go for a walk in it. I use to do that a lot in Alaska when I had a dog. I think the reason why I don’t do it is that I don’t have a dog to walk. My dog enjoyed it a lot. He was 4th generation Alaskan born cocker spaniel & we would walk for about an hour at a time. I just may have to do it anyway soon while the snow is still fresh. It is invigorating & I love it.

Time to head to bed. =)
Toni

I had to do the visual. Cool.

create your own visited states map
or check out these Google Hacks.

I was on private for a little while yesterday. I just wasn’t feeling up to it & my monthly started, so I guess that was a good excuse as any to get off.

Finally got the snow they were talking about. Doesn’t look that bad out, but then I haven’t been out since it started. I guess I’ll find out this morning on my way to work. Hopefully I won’t crash my truck.

I feel like crap. I’m tearing apart my place of work & I just want to cry. At least wait until the last day & not in front of clients. I have been so tempted to just start balling. I’ve been keeping busy & that helps. But when I stop to think about it………it is horrible. I just want to sit there & cry. We threw away about 10 trash bags of stuff. I cried myself to sleep last night, thinking of how it use to look just a few weeks ago & how empty it looks now.

I have been there for over 3 yrs. That place was trashed when I got there. I have put so much of myself into it………I took pride in what I did & I was good at my job.

Then shelter earlier this week……….. I went out to my folks Saturday morning & my dad gave me his old cell phone to donate to the shelter, he doesn’t know what I do so I couldn’t tell him that I’m no longer there. =( That really hurts. I know I can get it there, but it is not the same…….I usually go in on Mondays, it hurts that I’m not going in tonight.

I feel as if the rug has been ripped out from under me. What makes me who I am is torn from me. Almost like a bad dream I can’t wake up from or one where I just want to go to sleep & never wake up to…….

I’ve just got on to PrivateCamZ, they keep saying that it is suppose to snow & we are under a winter storm watch. It is windy, but so far no snow or winter mix. It has been very cold this last week, about 0 degrees before wind chill, not too bad. At least I don’t think so. lol

LOL, I’m not very pure at all. (grin)

ATTENTION: I work a day job & no longer have a steady schedule for a regular show schedule. So when I schedule my shows on SCC & CamZ I will be posting them here in my journal & on my members message board. I have been trying to do reminders on the open messenger to members the day before my shows.

I have now added another network, SexCamCentral, for doing my shows. I will doing this once a week, but have yet to determine a SET time. Please bear with me. All members of my site have access to my show on that network. I hope to see you there. =)

CamZ info: All my members have access to my shows any of the other shows that is on the CamZ network. All you have to do is click on my “live videos” links, click on “See me on CamZ”, it will bring up another page & will you a choice of different niches. For me, just click on “amateurs” & it will bring up the schedule of shows for that day.

~Toni